Confessions from the Massage Table

'Do you know it's taken me two years to be able to relax during a massage - when we first started, I was so nervous that my body would betray me while you were in the middle of massaging, like I would fart or something embarrassing like that. I was so nervous during those first many sessions with you that I'd talk a lot and keep myself from relaxing, even though everything felt so good. I couldn't allow myself to just let go. And then there's the whole guilty feeling thing - that's another topic. I'm just now getting to the point where I don't feel guilty during my massage. Like now when you're rubbing my feet, it feels so good, yet there's still this tiny little bit of guilt that I feel like I shouldn't be actually enjoying this.'

My client said to me after awaking from a short snooze before I made my way to her opposite foot. Looking up at her, smiling and nodding, I shift the sheets to expose her ankle and foot, bolstering the sides of her lower leg to make her feel extra cozy. Not saying a word, I warm the lotion between my palms and place them on her foot; she twitches and I hear her snoring again in soft puffs of air. 

I think about her words as the second hand on the clock ticks, and my hands listen to her body. Two years for her body and mind to come to an agreement that relaxation of her body is a necessary thing to allow deep healing to take place. 

Two years of me being the witness to her and to her now in this profound moment - her snoring and waking up to tell me her deepest, intimate thought about her journey with her body and with massage. 

Her confession is not to me but is to herself. 

She said the truth outloud in a space with someone who sees -and continues to see - her for who she is during it all - and now -  a woman who knew her body was telling her to go get a massage and even though it was scary, did. And every time she rebooks her appointment, she is doing the most important thing she can do for herself: listening.

She's listening to her body. She's more aware now of what her body needs and what she enjoys during her massages, and she's becoming less shy about saying what feels really good, what her favorite parts are, and what she wants more or less of. She's listening, and even though it might still be a bit hard, she's allowing herself to receive. 

Her allowing herself to receive allows her mind to release control in small increments so that her body can relax in equal measure, and the fact that she's recognizing and enjoying it makes me a little emotional. 

It's quite an honor and humbling to be on someone's path at whatever junction I get to be on it, and even more so when they see their growth and can share it in a held space.