Seeing the Truth

The guy I'm dating -I'll refer to him as R—has an old phone. It is so old that it doesn't receive 90% of the texts that I or others send him. 

And he seems unfazed by the entire bit of it all.

He thinks we are the crazy ones for acting like the world is on fire because he hasn't received the latest update on what's happening in the local or someone's daily life drama. He basically told me so last night when I pulled into his driveway like a banshee from hell looking for a head to take off.  

I got out of my car and stood there yelling up at him through his workshop window, "Hey! Are you getting any of my texts? Looking down at me, wielding a chainsaw, dressed in his crooked red, fogged-up goggles and beige overalls, he yelled back at me, "What are you CRAZY? "Why don't you just turn your car off and get in the house? "

I stared at him and shook my head as he returned to chainsawing. 

He met me in the basement. 

He sat on the couch and told me the texts he sent me, which I got all three.  

Then his words gave me a choice: "Shannon, I want to hear everything, and I'll take it all in." 

I thought about it for a split second. "That's okay. I'm good for the moment. Let me settle and be in my brain space for a bit."

I woke up at around 2:30 a.m., did meditation, yoga, and more meditation, and now I'm writing this at 4:44 a.m., trying to understand why I'm bothered by R's not receiving texts. 

In his mind, if there is something urgent, someone will let him in on it. 

In reality, living moment to moment and not getting caught up in the hustle and bustle of the phone gives him more space to do what he wants. At the same time, it creates an unspoken boundary between him and the world, essentially saying to me and everyone, "You know where I'm at and how to find me."

Why am I bothered by it all?

He is right; if there is something urgent, he'll be in the know. 

On some level, I am taking it personally that he's not receiving my texts, and it's one-sided. I'm having an entire conversation with him via text to keep the connection going because we don't see each other during the week. When he doesn't receive them, I feel a disconnection in our communication because I think he's getting them when, in actuality, he isn't.

Therefore, when I get to his house on Friday afternoons, he has no idea how my week went, my thoughts and emotions, inspirational thoughts, or topics I wanted to share with him—he has no clue. 

And in his mind, I can fill him in on everything Friday when I get there, and I feel like saying to him, "What's the point? I want to stay in connection with you during the week. Now it's Friday - everything's all done and over with - you had a chance to get to know everything that was on my mind all week, and now you want me to cram it all in on Friday night - how childish is that - going through the texts I sent you that you didn't get to tell you how my week was so we can stay connected."

I don't know.

The more I sit here and write about why I'm bothered, the more it becomes clear that R is who R is, and there's nothing I can do to shift or change R. 

It's not up to me to take responsibility for R. 

It's up to me to take responsibility for myself.

When it comes down to it, everything goes both ways. 

R's choice of an old phone that doesn't receive my text messages is his: his phone, his money, his lifestyle, his brain space, and his choice of how he wants his needs met.

and,

It's my choice to choose my battles wisely and recognize that R isn't going to change.

I need to put aside my ego and let him have the ball regarding his phone, which means I no longer message him unless he messages me. 

Even though that might sound silly and like a game, on the contrary, this frees up my brain space and gives me the focus necessary for my life instead of getting caught up in phone drama that doesn't serve any productivity or purpose. 

You know where I'm at, R.